Saturday, January 16, 2016

The final straw doesn't have to be so final...

It's funny how the tiniest thing can be THE thing that makes you want to quit. I've had a rough couple of weeks. A lot of it is serious: a relative battling a devestating illness, a co-worker's sudden and tragic death, needing to make a job change, a trigger that caused an intense sexual assault memory. But the reason I'm sitting in my car crying is because my daughter just accidentally smacked me in the face. Well, it's really because she didn't listen to the 3 times I told her to be careful. And that was the final straw. Because it represents to me how I feel in almost every aspect of my life: nobody is listening to me. Nobody sees I'm there anymore than they see a rock they accidentally stumble over. 
And it's moments like this that belly dance becomes even more important. Because when I perform, people DO see me. I've had people search me out after a show to pay me kind compliments. However they phrase it up, the message I get is: "I see you." For those 3-5 minutes, I wasn't invisible and I had a "voice." And that will help carry me through the rest and give me strength to go on. To give my daughter a hug and tell her my eye is fine. To make decisions about work that need to be made. To help support friends who are feeling our co-worker's loss. To help support my family members through their struggle. To be the kind of person I want to be instead of the person society tries to tell me that I am. To take that final straw and toss it aside. I'm stronger than that straw!
Yeah, I get all that from belly dance and I thank the gods for it!